Here we are, past the middle of another month, past the uprising surrender of longer and longer days, the equinox behind us, the solstice inching its body away. Today for the first time I thought about growing old. I saw my body as if it was shedding feathers, its color paler and paler, a life dusking slowly. I thought of my 30's, of having a PhD, of feeling my soul come into its own, the poet, the lover within released into the stream of eternal conversation. The ability to recognize meaning in everything, without feeling a pressing need to name it. Just that, the ability to be small and embrace reality in its grandeur. I imagine this sense grows in your 40's. Oh yes, and the harmony, the intricate subtle realization, actualization of life itself within us. Being apart of something so much larger than yourself, being swallowed, abandoning, and yet maintaining individuality.
What do we rely on in our youth? Our strength, our health, our abilities. Even as I write this, I feel so invincible, as if the most intoxicating elixir flows through my veins, as if the world itself moves in a pattern I recognize and understand and everything, everything must be expressed, must be felt, must be consummated. Life is made to be drunk deeply, full cup, rushed and impulsive. And yet ... no. I pray for the wisdom of future decades, for the freedom to sip and wait and trust in something other than my own ability. I pray for a love to unites me to the One who is Love; that is the place where strength is found. "Even young men grow tired and weary ... but those who trust in the Lord, they shall renew their strength, they shall rise on wings like eagles"
Summer may be winding its golden road, time spiraling itself wider and wider ... I will wait on Him.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
If there is another world, I think you can take a cab there ...
Of course there is another world, no part of me doubts it ... In fact, I want to live for that world, live deeply and passionately, with anticipation, yet not missing a moment of this one. How do you live for something you cannot yet imagine? Of course, there is the usual, streets of gold, and gates and walls made of precious stones, and a place where all light radiates from the person you love the most, but all these things are metaphors. So whatever it is, it's going to be amazing, nay enchanting, nay perfect, nay there aren't words ... I feel giddy talking about it and thinking about it. Giddy and inadequate.
I am reading a biography of Amy Carmichael. The further I get into it, the more I feel an inadequate, mediocre Christian, not entirely sold out to God. Not Christ in living flesh as I should be, as I want to be, but more of me enthroned. How sad! From the young age of 22, this lady made a commitment to God that resulted in an incredible number of souls coming to know Christ. She gave herself over to Him, gave up all her earthly ambitions and allowed herself to be sanctified. In the book there is this quote of what sanctification is:
To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbor as ourselves.... It is possible to cast every care on Him daily, and to be at peace amidst pressure, to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamor and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It IS possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point.
Bishop Handley Moule
This is what I aspire to, the ability to live with Him in the most real way, to make Him a part of my work, my writing, my affections, my relationships. He is the center and holds everything together, I need to bow and acknowledge. I don't want competing passions in my life, I want to belong to Him unreservedly and dedicate my creative powers, my meager talant to the furthering of His kingdom. More importantly I want to bring Him pleasure in me, the way He has pleasure in His Son.
I think this is the way to be heavenly-minded, to live with Him as you would with a husband or a wife, in intimacy and love and allow yourself to be sanctified. How can you be in His presence and not be changed in your mind, your flesh, your desires? How can you be in His presence and not desire zoe?
I am reading a biography of Amy Carmichael. The further I get into it, the more I feel an inadequate, mediocre Christian, not entirely sold out to God. Not Christ in living flesh as I should be, as I want to be, but more of me enthroned. How sad! From the young age of 22, this lady made a commitment to God that resulted in an incredible number of souls coming to know Christ. She gave herself over to Him, gave up all her earthly ambitions and allowed herself to be sanctified. In the book there is this quote of what sanctification is:
To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbor as ourselves.... It is possible to cast every care on Him daily, and to be at peace amidst pressure, to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamor and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It IS possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point.
Bishop Handley Moule
This is what I aspire to, the ability to live with Him in the most real way, to make Him a part of my work, my writing, my affections, my relationships. He is the center and holds everything together, I need to bow and acknowledge. I don't want competing passions in my life, I want to belong to Him unreservedly and dedicate my creative powers, my meager talant to the furthering of His kingdom. More importantly I want to bring Him pleasure in me, the way He has pleasure in His Son.
I think this is the way to be heavenly-minded, to live with Him as you would with a husband or a wife, in intimacy and love and allow yourself to be sanctified. How can you be in His presence and not be changed in your mind, your flesh, your desires? How can you be in His presence and not desire zoe?
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Street is for Celebration
Everyone has those days when they lose joy. You walk outside and it might be a perfect day, the sun kissing your skin, birds serenading each other, the grass is dusted with yellow and purple stars, and yet you don't notice. I am ashamed to say I have those days once in a while... days when I am so preocciped inwardly that I forget to look outward, to zoom out and realize this is one corner of the world, this is one day, it will pass ... everything does. Lately, God has been giving me the grace to catch myself when I don't stop even for a moment to thank Him for the beauty around me, because I have more important things to do. So, now I remind myself that every day of my life is given to me for the purpose of celebration. To be alive is to be in love with God and to let that penetrate you so deeply and fill you so profoundly that you cannot help but overflow.
Thomas Merton says, “Living is more than submission: it is creation. To live is to create one’s own world as a scene of personal happiness.” When we are attuned to God and connected to Him in an intimate way, we live our lives creatively, so that everything reflects that: our environment, our home, our friends, our street. God wants us to engage in the act of celebration every day of our lives, because He is in love with us. Because accepting His love is the most fulfilling, life-changing reality. Because He has surrounded us with beautiful things. Even on days when there is sadness and disillusionment and pain, He is still everything. He still breathes in our nostrils to give us life, He still makes rain come down, and changes the colors of the sunrise and the melody of the ocean. Because He is constantly creating, celebrating, because He is in love ... with me, with His bride. Because God is incredibly romantic. How can I not love Him back with my entire being? How can I not celebrate with Him?
Thomas Merton says, “Living is more than submission: it is creation. To live is to create one’s own world as a scene of personal happiness.” When we are attuned to God and connected to Him in an intimate way, we live our lives creatively, so that everything reflects that: our environment, our home, our friends, our street. God wants us to engage in the act of celebration every day of our lives, because He is in love with us. Because accepting His love is the most fulfilling, life-changing reality. Because He has surrounded us with beautiful things. Even on days when there is sadness and disillusionment and pain, He is still everything. He still breathes in our nostrils to give us life, He still makes rain come down, and changes the colors of the sunrise and the melody of the ocean. Because He is constantly creating, celebrating, because He is in love ... with me, with His bride. Because God is incredibly romantic. How can I not love Him back with my entire being? How can I not celebrate with Him?
Friday, May 05, 2006
Running without a reason to stop
I haven't written anything in so long ... goes to show what my schedule is like. Today was a perfect day (I rarely say this, so here goes):
Woke up late to a maitenance man knocking on my door - yes, they will change the carpet in my apartment, and put screens on the windows. Yes!
Shared a meal with a friend I don't see a lot because we are both so busy. We spoke of summer plans, and what we learned this year, and how different we are and all the ways in which we've grown up. The other day, one of my residents asked me if I liked school ... and I realized, this is it, this is me and my passion and this Master's degree is the winding road to accomplishment. Yes, I love school so so much!
I walked the loop with the same friend, 3 miles circling the harbor (yes, I live on the beach! Yes, it's absolutely perfect!) and the sky threatened to rain, then threatened to dehydrate us with intense sunlight, then the breeze whispered of salt and small crabs scurrying under the sand (quick fact : crabs move sideways ... what would it be like to move sideways through life?) and surf that washes delicate weeds and shells on the shore, licking them colorful. My favorite shells are oyster shells.
After that we went to Starbucks, and though I know I should encourage free range, organic coffee places, I cannot help myself, I am in love with this slave-driving, monopoly on coffee.
Two thoughts of the day -
"Every element of self - reliance must be slain by the power of God." Oswald Chambers
"I got it done because I am a scaly fish,
a toothy menace of a trout, or I'm a mermaid, bony
if you bite down. the body is a vessel, the body is a mold,
pour me in"
Sally Smits
Two days ago I wrote for seven hours without stopping, yesterday for five. I am learning discipline at a level I didn't think was possible. I am experiencing the power of God to keep me focused and passionate and living deeply.
Woke up late to a maitenance man knocking on my door - yes, they will change the carpet in my apartment, and put screens on the windows. Yes!
Shared a meal with a friend I don't see a lot because we are both so busy. We spoke of summer plans, and what we learned this year, and how different we are and all the ways in which we've grown up. The other day, one of my residents asked me if I liked school ... and I realized, this is it, this is me and my passion and this Master's degree is the winding road to accomplishment. Yes, I love school so so much!
I walked the loop with the same friend, 3 miles circling the harbor (yes, I live on the beach! Yes, it's absolutely perfect!) and the sky threatened to rain, then threatened to dehydrate us with intense sunlight, then the breeze whispered of salt and small crabs scurrying under the sand (quick fact : crabs move sideways ... what would it be like to move sideways through life?) and surf that washes delicate weeds and shells on the shore, licking them colorful. My favorite shells are oyster shells.
After that we went to Starbucks, and though I know I should encourage free range, organic coffee places, I cannot help myself, I am in love with this slave-driving, monopoly on coffee.
Two thoughts of the day -
"Every element of self - reliance must be slain by the power of God." Oswald Chambers
"I got it done because I am a scaly fish,
a toothy menace of a trout, or I'm a mermaid, bony
if you bite down. the body is a vessel, the body is a mold,
pour me in"
Sally Smits
Two days ago I wrote for seven hours without stopping, yesterday for five. I am learning discipline at a level I didn't think was possible. I am experiencing the power of God to keep me focused and passionate and living deeply.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
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